We all might have experienced a throbbing desire to reach out to something or someone at any point in our life. Essentially, our life ahead is lit by some sort of desires of various intensities which at times we are ignorant about. You might long for something/someone for a long time; but what do you do after you get what you want? Or perhaps have you ever thought that you no longer have the feeling of longing itself? For the latter, yes I am used to thinking about it many times. What would you do when what you miss is the longing itself?
Desire and longing. We all desire for something but all of them are not longing. However, desire is actually an expression of longing. For desire to become longing, it has to be intense and strong enough that is physical, emotional at the same time intangible. You feel it in every inch of your soul. Our longings are also dynamic. During childhood I longed for material things , but over time, I started to long for attention, validation, acceptance, love, possessiveness, purpose, happiness, peace, clarity, independence and so on. I would say we always long for something that it has to no longer be longed for. In other words, we cannot long for something that is attainable in our conscience. If everything we seek is already there within us, or within our reach, we can no longer ‘long’ for it.
With each road not taken, I always had longed for more. I always wanted more. With each road taken, my heart ached. Always felt a sense of never enough. But the mystery of what life has kept in store is strangely compelling. The waiting. So I went. But I always long for clarity and certainty. With every new road taken, it appears dark or blank or sometimes scary and the conscience that there is not U turn makes me to long to find my way back or to escape. But I know I am no exception.
Maybe, that’s how we get to know ourselves. Infinite loop of getting lost and rediscovering. Longings, mistakes, disappointments and realisations. Perhaps in that way we learn or even change or maybe we don’t or never will. Is that a better a better thing ? How do we know that it is better? Another test? Yeah, infinite loop!
Explore, explore and explore. I will understand at the end why it did all turned out that way.Now comes the coping. I’ll accustom to it and make peace with it. And I’ll be alright. Longing for longings to be settled at last. But until when? That’s where I long for clarity. At the same time, at times, overweighed with infinite loop of memories, betrayals, flickers, pain, wants and disappointments, I feel that I am no longer capable of longing for anything. Yeah , to long for, or not to long for: that’s the question.